That last “good bye”

Some choices worth thinking about

We are all going to die;  in that there is no choice.  But we do have choices, some decisions we can make to take some of the difficulty out of the ‘details’ we leave behind when we are gone.  Each family is so different and yet we mostly come from a similar place of caring deeply about those we love.   This has crossed my mind quite a few times, but somehow, it isn’t one of the things people talk about too much, . . . don’t want to.

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This morning’s paper had an article on “Cremation.”  I wasn’t too interested in it, but the picture with it caught my attention as it had an unusual quality to it, so I took a few minutes and got to thinking about it.  I am totally familiar with cremation.  My husband and I decided on that long ago.  It is simple and logical, earth friendly and to some eastern philosophy, an advantage to the releasing soul.   I certainly hope this is true because this is the avenue used for my husband, his mother and then finally, my own precious mother and is what I choose for myself when the time comes.

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Being just a few years less than my mother’s age when she died,  I quite naturally thought about all this stuff and in the end, got online to see if there wasn’t more information on the subject – Google, Wikipedia.  I’m trying to sound like I’m being all cerebral about this,  even so, the next few hours were somewhat sobering as I poured thru all that I found.    (On the West Coast, the Neptune Society took care of Marty and his Mom.  But they don’t function here in Ohio and I had to find another provider for Mother in 1995.)  It was enlightening.   Pricing is all over the place from a scant $500 to a few thousand depending on what is wanted.   What I would want is for my son to be able to pick up a phone and tell someone to come and get her, she is gone, and to never have to deal with anything further.  Where there is love, one remains in the heart forever and for most, it takes a bit of time to adjust to this loss – because one always misses loved ones. . . that’s the way it works.

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I found something that may be useful for many in today’s economic climate and so I want to pass it on.   I found two separate companies who accept the gift/donation of one’s body to their Whole Body Donation Program in exchange for free cremation services (providing one qualifies) The Department of Motor Vehicles has already got me signed up for donating my body parts upon death anyway – - it just seemed like the decent thing to do, so this is not too much of a stretch.  The one I found on Google is LifeQuest Anatomical and there was another one on Wikipedia (?).  Apparently they need cadavers for all kinds of research (cancer, alzheimers and so on) in laboratories and schools.  A few weeks later, if the family wants any remains, they can be sent.   Please understand, I’m not wanting to be morbid here, just thought this could be a boon for a few people out there who might need a service like this and find themselves financially strapped as I was when my mother died.  I had to pay it out monthly for quite a time.  Okay, my good deed for the day is done.  Here is the article I mentioned:

Cremations gaining acceptance

Cost, environmental impact also affecting choice versus burial

By Meredith Heagney
THE COLUMBUS DISPATCH

Becky Kading visits her late friend not in a cemetery but a church garden. She feels the presence of Julie Carpenter, whom she loved like a sister, even if there’s no grave or headstone.   The small, attractive space sits outside Lord of Life Lutheran Church on the Northwest Side. The church allows people to scatter their loved ones’ ashes in the garden, and Carpenter’s family put her cremated remains there.

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Kading had known Carpenter since they were preschoolers. They became as close as sisters at Whetstone High School and stayed that way until Sept. 2, 2007, when Carpenter, 55, was struck and killed crossing Polaris Parkway by a vehicle driven by a 16-year-old girl.   Kading said she misses her terribly but feels peace at the garden because “I know part of her is in there.” She sits alone or sometimes with Susan Schwab, another parishioner and a longtime friend of Carpenter’s.

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A church garden for cremated ashes wouldn’t have gotten much use a generation ago. But cremation is surging in popularity, in part because of growing acceptance among religious groups, said John Ross, executive director of the Cremation Association of North America. In 1980, less than 10 percent of U.S. deaths resulted in cremation, according to the association. In 2007, that number was 34 percent. By 2025, it’s estimated to be close to 56 percent.

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Local funeral directors have seen the same trend. At Shaw-Davis Funeral Homes and Cremation Service, which has its own crematory, 60 percent of families opt for cremation, manager Kip Shaw said. Fifteen years ago, 90 percent opted for burial.   His colleagues without crematories also are seeing higher cremation rates, he said.   “More and more faiths have become more accepting of cremation,” he pointed out.

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Religion isn’t the only reason. Families are more mobile and dispersed than in years past, and some people don’t want to be buried where they think no one will visit the grave, Shaw said. Others like that cremation is more environmentally friendly.   Cost is a factor, too. The average cost of cremation and related services such as an urn is about $3,200, Ross said. The cost for embalming, preparation of the body, a funeral ceremony, a casket and a vault averages $7,300, according to the National Funeral Directors Association. That doesn’t include the cemetery plot or the marker.

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That extra money can be used for God’s work, said the Rev. Mark Fuller, pastor of Grove City Church of the Nazarene.
He has told his wife that she should cremate him and “take the money you save and give it to the poor,” he said.
Among the faithful, Buddhists, Hindus and mainline Protestants are most likely to cremate, while some Southern Baptists and other churches that emphasize the resurrection of the body shy away, Ross said. Islam and Orthodox Judaism forbid the practice.    Muslims believe that cremation is “against the human dignity,” said Imam Farooq Aboelzahab of the Islamic Center of Greater Toledo in Perrysburg. When a Muslim dies, the body is ritually washed, then buried as soon as possible, even on the same day.

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In the Jewish faith, “we believe that our bodies are on loan from God and not ours to do as we please with,” said Rabbi Naphtali Weisz of Congregation Beth Jacob on the East Side. “We have to return our bodies to God in the same way he lent them to us.”    For that same reason, Jewish law forbids tattoos.   For Jews, memories of the Holocaust prompt a “visceral, emotional repulsion toward cremation,” Weisz said. Murdered Jews were burned in ovens and cremated, their remains lost to their families forever.    “Some would consider it almost a posthumous victory for Hitler for a Jew to be cremated and not given a proper burial,” he said.

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The Catholic Church historically outlawed cremation because it challenged church teaching about the resurrection of the body, said Monsignor William Cleves, vice rector of the School of Theology at the Pontifical College Josephinum.   Cremation was seen as “a kind of challenge to God, saying, ‘Resurrect this,’” he said.   Since 1963, the church has allowed cremation, recognizing that resurrection after death does not require the physical body to be intact, he said.    Burial is still preferred, he said, because the body is seen as the temple of the Holy Spirit.

Rich Finn manages four cemeteries in central Ohio for the Catholic Diocese of Columbus and said that 18 percent of their burials are cremated remains.    Ideally, the intact body should be present for the funeral Mass, Finn said. The church also requires that ashes be buried.    “The cremated remains should be treated with the same respect that is given to the body,” he said.

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Susan Schwab said she often sits in the Lord of Life garden with positive memories of Julie Carpenter. They grew up together to share weddings, vacations and the births of their children.   “It makes me feel good to sit there and think of her,” Schwab said.    She, too, plans to have her ashes scattered in the garden.   “It’s a comfort to me to know that my ashes will be where I worshipped on Sunday, and the spirit of me will remain there,” she said.   “It just feels right.”
mheagney@dispatch.com

ERIC ALBRECHT DISPATCH
Becky Kading, left, and Susan Schwab sit in the garden at Lord of Life Lutheran Church on the Northwest Side, where the ashes of their friend Julie Carpenter were scattered. Cremation is becoming more popular partly because many denominations have dropped their objections to it.